


i’ll be home for christmas (if only in my dreams)

by deathlytireddan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Family, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Texting, a few christmas snapshots about some things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 06:31:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13071105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathlytireddan/pseuds/deathlytireddan
Summary: Dan answers,fuck off they were amazing and you want meMore*Phil cracks a smile. Dan isn’t wrong.





	1. 2009

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Pentatonix’s I’ll Be Home For Christmas 
> 
> This is a gift to all of you <3
> 
> Everyone who has bothered to click on a fic, thinking “Hey, that’s looks kind of interesting.”
> 
> Everyone who has supported me on tumblr or offered to talk about #writingproblems (thank you Sarah/waveydnp), commented on a fic, or reblogged a fic with your nice tags that make my heart melt <3 
> 
> The last few months since I started writing about these two has been wild and a little bit (a LOT) anxiety inducing, but so so fun and I’ll always be glad I started doing this! I never expected to have written and (as of today) posted over 50,000 words or to have over 200 followers on tumblr. It’s all insane!
> 
> So, thank you all!!! Merry Christmas, and if you don’t celebrate—I’m an atheist myself but presents and stress are nice—I hope you have a fantastic day! :) 
> 
> All that aside—I am a bit nervous about this one. I’ve never written about dnp’s families like this. I tried not to get into the facts too much, and leave it kind of vague, because I think it works better that way. I’m also a little nervous about including Dan’s brother, even if that is also written vaguely. But hopefully not too vaguely. *nervous laugh*
> 
> I’m not a believer in thinking dan’s (or phil’s) family is truly terrible. But I do know family is complicated, and you don’t always fit in with yours even when you want to. 
> 
> Writing dialogue/texting, especially phone calls, is one of my favorite things, and I got to experiment with that a lot in this! 
> 
> Let me know what you think! Please tell me this flows well and isn’t a complete train wreck...

_2009_

They’ve been apart for barely 24 hours but Dan already misses Phil.

Misses his warm hugs, misses the safety and comfort of having another person that wants you around, wants to touch and talk and be with you constantly.

Just you, and not another version they think is you but isn’t, not really. That might be Dan’s fault, maybe. He’s never been good at being himself.

Dan is opening Christmas presents, quietly listening as his grandparents tell a story from their church and talk over each other, teasing and playfully irritated.

He wonders what knowing someone for as long as they have is like, pushes that thought down before he can dwell on it.

His thoughts are a million miles away.

Or just a couple hundred, in a little northern corner of the world.

“Are you alright, dear?” His mum asks, squeezing his shoulder as she passes him with a plate of cookies.

“Yes. Sorry.” He crinkles up wrapping paper, absently folding a corner over and over again.

“No need to be sorry,” his mum says, concern in her voice.

His mind wanders.

He stands suddenly. “Bathroom.”

His brother shoots him a knowing look, a look that means _you’re not subtle,_ a look that means _you’re so gross, how are you related to me,_ and a look that means _Phil_.

Dan rolls his eyes. He doesn’t have a comeback. It’s the truth.

He closes the bathroom door behind him and sits on the toilet lid, taking his phone out.

Two unread messages. One is a picture of Phil and his mum, wearing matching antlers and grinning. There’s a bit of chocolate on his mouth.

_I’m a reindeer! rawrr_

Dan smiles a bit.

_What am I then??_

He waits, waits, waits.

The texts were from a few minutes ago, Phil might be busy. Dan doesn’t want his family to think he’s having bathroom problems, doesn’t want to talk to Phil in front of them, either.

_Santa ;))_

Dan makes a small, giddy sound. He bites the string on his hoodie.

Someone knocks. “Daniel? We’re about to eat!” It’s his Dad.

“One minute!” He calls, heart rate picking up for no good reason.

His phone goes off again.

_Skype later? Plz xx_

Dan grins.

-

When Dan gets upstairs that night, finally, and opens his laptop, there’s already a green dot near Phil’s profile picture.

Phil calls before Dan has a chance to. It makes Dan smile, wide and silly. He climbs under his blankets, pulling them up to his chin.

It takes a minute for the screen to load after the audio does. He can hear Phil’s crackly exhale.

When the screen loads Dan can see his crooked smile, pleased and sleepy

“Dan!” Phil exclaims.

He’s bundled up in a white and blue Christmas jumper that Dan doesn’t recognize. His hair is rumpled hair and he has dark, tired eyes and warmth, warmth, warmth.

“Merry Christmas,” Dan says.

Suddenly he doesn’t mind so much that Phil isn’t here. He’s here in a way that still counts, even if it’s not the most preferred one.

Phil washes away all his little doubts and worries.

“You too!” Phil leans over, reaching for something on the floor. He puts the antlers on. They look a bit bent.

Dan narrows his eyes. Phil’s cheeks look awfully flushed. “Are you drunk?”

“Noo,” Phil denies, hands covering his mouth as he laughs. “Only a little bit. I’m mostly tired. Been up since five!”

Dan makes a sound of disbelief. “Why the fuck?”

Only Phil would willingly wake up at 5 AM. And be happy about it.

-

They talk quietly, whispering in the harsh light of their laptop screens.

Phil looks translucent, eyes a pale light blue, lips pink and soft-looking. He keeps biting them and looking at Dan, even as he tells a terrible story about a penguin.

“Stop that,” Dan says.

“Stop what?”

It’s nearing 2 AM. Dan’s supposed to get up early tomorrow, to see more family. He’ll be exhausted, in more ways than one, if they keep this up.

“Looking at me...like that.”

Anxiety climbs inside his chest and settles in his stomach, tingling and digging around.

“I can’t help it,” Phil says, honesty making his words come out sharp.

He’d taken his contacts out and his glasses are resting unevenly on his nose. It’s a rare enough sight that he looks slightly unfamiliar, a bit different from the usual Phil.

Dan swallows roughly. He doesn’t know what to say to that.

“I miss you,” Phil says.

His eyes are wide. It shouldn’t feel like a secret, even though it does. It’s the big, glaringly obvious divide between them.

I miss you.

It sounds so simple. Dan never knew just what it meant before he knew Phil. He wants to wrap his arms around Phil, firm and present and real.

Dan’s been staring at his hands for who knows how long. He looks up. “I miss you too. Of course I do.”

Phil nods. He looks distant, different, unreachable. Wasn’t Dan thinking just an hour ago that Phil washes away all his bad thoughts?

“Goodnight, Phil,” Dan says, needing to end whatever this conversation has changed to before it gets any worse.

Phil opens his mouth. “Night.”

Dan sighs. He wants Phil to say something else. Anything else. “I’ll talk to you in the morning?”

They’re just—tired, and over emotional. That’s all. Dan is all mixed up inside, from his family and so many other things he doesn’t want to think about or have to explain to anyone.

“Please do.” Phil lets out a breath. “Goodnight. Sleep well.”

-

_I still miss you_

Dan fumbles around in the dark, trying to find his phone.

He sighs softly when he sees the message.

_I know_

_i’ll see you soon phil_

_goodnight_

_< 33_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed!
> 
>  
> 
> [my tumblr](https://nostalgiclondon.tumblr.com)


	2. 2011

_2011_

Being apart, when they’re so used to being together, is a different feeling for Phil.

It’s different from before, from when they didn’t live together.

It feels stronger because he knows more of what he’s missing, probably.

Phil knows how Dan feels, every inch of him. Knows how he looks when he’s in the best kind of mood or the worst.

When he’s tired or frustrated or glaring at someone when they make Phil uncomfortable, hand sliding along Phil’s back.

On the other hand, Phil will be back with Dan in just a few days.

It’s a bittersweet comfort.

too much frosting not enough cookie

better than our cookies at least, Phil replies.

He’s texting Dan under the dining table, like a teenager again.

Dan answers, _fuck off they were amazing and you want me_

_More*_

Phil cracks a smile. Dan isn’t wrong.

_Maybe, maybe not_

_What can you offer?_

Phil takes a bite of a cookie and promptly chokes on it and a laugh.

_Sex_

Phil gulps water, avoiding the eyes of his concerned family members.

And Dan’s sent a picture too.

Phil tilts the screen down, just in case, but it’s only a tray of cookies. Dan is right, they have too much frosting. Phil is jealous.

_i’d eat 10!!_

_of course you would and then you’d actually have to work out_

Dan isn’t wrong, again.

Phil puts his phone away and eats his last bite of ham. It’s nice, homemade, with some kind of spicy seasoning. Maybe a little dry.

He avoids small talk with a distant cousin, stands up, the chair squeaking on the wooden floor and making his face flush.

He collects everyone’s plates, his granddad making a joke that he isn’t the woman of the household. A cousin around Phil’s own age looks uncomfortable. They share a strained smile.

Phil’s mum is in the kitchen, washing up. Phil wants to retort, something biting and stinging, the way Dan would.

He escapes to the kitchen, handing his mum his stack of dishes.

She makes a face at a food crusted plate. “Only Annabelle would,” she says, referring to Phil’s three year old something-cousin something-removed.

Phil hands her his stack of collected plates and starts drying a glass.

_Are you dead?_

_Philip Michael Lester_

_can I eat your food if your dead?_

Phil unlocks his phone, resisting an eye roll. Dan is a drama queen, no doubt about it.

_You’re*_

“Dan?” His mum asks, voice layered with meaning.

_piss off_

_it’s your not you’re_

“Yeah,” Phil grins, a little shyly, a little sheepishly.

_Is it?_

“I’m glad someone is living with you now.” His mum has this way of saying everything with a double meaning. He’s never understood it very well, or the way his dad always picks up on it.

He does it with Dan, though. All the time. Almost everything has some sort of double meaning, even if it’s just not wanting to step out for milk.

Phil realizes he hasn’t answered, staring at the towel he’s holding.

“I have an explanation for all the scary noises! Yay!” He says belatedly, raises his arms and almost smashes a glass on a cupboard. “Oops.”

She laughs, a twinkle in her eyes. “Tell him hello from me.”

_Mum says hi_

“Is he treating you well?” Mum doesn’t really sound worried. More like she’s making conversation. Unless it has that double meaning.

“Yes.” He hopes he doesn’t sound too bemused. The idea of Dan not treating him well is ridiculous.

_she asked if you’re treating me well o.O_

Phil can detect the sarcasm in Dan’s answer from a mile away, _Tell her there is constant abuse in the form of food stealing_

_I’m practically starving_

_and hi <3_

“He says hi. With a heart.”

“Aww. He’s a sweet boy.” She hands him another plate. “You keep him around, if you can.”

Phil hopes he can. With every fiber of his being, he hopes he can.

-

They talk on the phone that night, instead of Skyping. Dan says he’s sitting on his porch, trying to escape the sounds of his cousins fucking, and that’s enough of an excuse for Phil.

“Did you eat all the cookies?” Dan asks, instead of hello. He sounds sleepy and a little drunk, maybe, his words slurring slightly.

Phil doesn’t comment on it. He remembers, the day before he left, Dan talking about getting drunk to tolerate everyone. Phil hadn’t been completely sure if it was a joke or not.

“No. Not enough frosting. And Dad said I needed to eat all my meat to become a man.” Phil tries not to sound unhappy and fails. It’s a routine he’s used to, has been doing it his entire life.

Family is always so complicated. He should know that by now, shouldn’t be surprised when they do something that bothers him.

Dan sighs. “I’ll bring a few home, if there’s any left.”

“We should just make a bowl of frosting at home and eat it when we watch tv.” Phil is only half joking.

Double meanings.

Everything has a double meaning, even powdered sugar and butter and vanilla.

“That sounds good. Except for the flipping huge stomach ache you’d get.”

Phil laughs. “You would too! Don’t pretend.”

“Hmm. My stomach fears no sugar.”

There’s the creak of a door, and then Dan’s soft murmuring. Phil can’t quite make out what Dan is saying, he must have the phone tilted away from his mouth. But the cadence of his voice is low and soothing.

“Just my brother,” Dan says. “Can’t sleep. Hold on, I'm just getting him milk.”

Phil’s heart melts. He’s stayed with Dan’s family a few times, of course, but he rarely sees the older brother version of Dan. The small glimpses he does get are sweet, teasing, protecting.

“That’s so cute,” Phil gushes.

“Shut up, shut up.” Then, “Okay, here you go. Don’t spill it everywhere, fuck’s sake.”

“Don’t swear in front of the young!” A voice says, sounding like a little version of Dan.

Phil giggles. “He’s not wrong.”

The door creaks again. “Sorry about that,” Dan says.

Phil is far from sorry. Phil wants to hear Dan being an older brother all the time. Constantly.

He’s more than a little bit in love.

 


	3. 2014

_2014_

Dan wakes up, a lump in his throat, the remnants of a dream in his chest. His eyelashes are stuck together.

He turns over, searching for his phone. His knuckles hit one of the pictures of Colin on the nightstand, sending pain up his wrist.

“Ow, fuck, ow.”

It’s barely passed 3 AM.

He calls Phil, hands shaking as he unlocks his phone.

It takes a few rings, but less than Dan expected. Like Phil has his phone nearby, unsilenced, just like Dan.

God. He’s so pathetic and—

“Mmm?”

Hi,” Dan says, voice crackly and shaky and stupid.

He’s so stupid.

“Dan? Are you okay, babe?”

Dan rubs his eyes with his wrist, sitting up in bed. He wishes he could call for his old dog, his childhood one. Sometimes he’d cuddle the dog while he Skyped Phil in bed.

“I just had a dream. I’m sorry I woke you up.”

A steady inhale, exhale, the sound of a bed creaking. “No, I'm glad you woke me up.”

No one can be glad to be woken up. Not technically. Dan knows Phil is just trying to make him feel better, but he ignores how that makes him feel guilty and hides behind Phil’s words.

“How’s your family?” It’s not what he wants to say, not really, but this isn’t the sort of conversation he wants to have at 3 AM, in his old, repainted bedroom.

So Dan listens to Phil’s voice, the way he forms his words, just a bit more northern than usual.

And then he asks, “What about your family?”

Dan wants to say, I'm talking to them right now.

“I don’t know. The same bullshit.” He’s just tired. “Mum thinks I’m going to have to move in when my job fails, unless I mention the radio show.”

Phil is silent for a long minute. Then, “Dad is still waiting for me to become a man. He bought me more tools. Not the candles I asked for.”

“Candles are cheaper,” Dan says, because he understands what Phil means.

“I know, Dan. I know.”

He pretends to fall asleep to the crackly sounds of Phil’s breath, but his mind is going a mile a minute and he can’t relax, muscles tight and uncomfortable.

“I’ll see you soon,” Phil says, voice faint, like he doesn’t expect Dan to answer.

“Okay,” Dan whispers, gripping his phone tightly. “It’ll be fine. It always is. It’s just—not the best, either.”

“Mmhmm.” Phil always understands.


	4. 2016

_2016_

Colin is the highlight of Dan’s visit, probably.

He follows Dan around, sniffing his hands for bits of turkey and kissing Dan’s ears.

He’s resting his head on Dan’s thigh while Dan sits on the floor, scrolling through social media, big eyes looking up at him.

He send a picture to Phil.

_Omfg_

There’s a string of dog emojis and heart emojis and a random black square, probably accidental.

_Steal him for me!!_

_i don’t think mum my mum would appreciate that_ , Dan answers.

_What about what Colin wants?_ Another heart emoji.

_Colin wants to be stolen by a creepy northern man with a fringe?_

_;(( yes_

_keep telling yourself that_

Dan scratches Colin’s ears, probably making embarrassing noises. Colin is just too cute. “I won’t let him steal you away, don’t worry.”

-

Dan hugs his family goodbye.

His mum is tearful, and hard to reach, as he bends down a good foot and a half to hug her awkwardly.

His grandma is wearing heels, and she doesn’t cry. He inhales her familiar perfume and kisses her cheek, feeling a lump in his throat.

Then his brother. Dan’s brother has hidden away inside his bedroom for most of the last few days, playing video games. Dan doesn’t mind. He was the same way, just a few years ago.

It’s a startling thought. Dan is an adult, a grown up person, with his own life, his own partner.

His brother is almost as tall as him, too. That's another startling thing.

They’d talked about Halo earlier, in front of their blank faced parents. It had been funny, in a way.

“Have a save journey, Daniel,” his mum says, squeezing his arm and opening the door. “Let us know—let us know how work is.” She smiles, forced and awkward. Similar to his own awkward smile, probably.

His life seems to have moved on, and his parents don’t seem to be a part of it.

Then he’s gone, driving toward the train station and home with his dad.

-

_I’m on the train_ , Dan texts Phil.

There isn’t an answer for a minute, then, _sorry, we were playing a board game_!

Dan exhales, chest aching.

-

Coming home to an empty flat is always the worst part.

Dan has experience with the first part, the leaving. The feeling stupid and clingy, like you have a problem, not being able to properly enjoy being home. Whatever that word means.

The middle bit where you have to socialize, with people who don’t understand, and then the after part where you can’t leave because it’s too soon, but you don’t have anything to do except feel awkward and strangely small.

Then there’s the coming back.

Dan is home earlier than Phil this year.

That isn’t entirely unusual.

He’s been leaving earlier and earlier, it seems.

-

Dan hasn’t been gone long enough for anything to get more than a thin layer of dust. The houseplants are a bit wilty, except for the succulents that finally look happy since Phil isn’t overwatering them.

_i’m home_

Dan puts his dirty things in the wash, turns the heat up a bit and wipes down the kitchen.

_Yay!_

_Did you water the plants?_

He smiles. Phil and his fucking houseplants.

_Yeah and cleaned the kitchen_

_look at me go_

Phil’s answer is surprisingly sad, _I will soon : (_

_Aw, is philly getting homesick?_

_Maaybee_

_oh dear_

-

Dan folds laundry and makes dinner, swallows his pills and does a few half-heartedly pushups. It’s less entertaining when Phil isn’t on the sofa, ogling him.

_I’m coming home tomorrow_ , Phil texts, out of nowhere.

Dan frowns. _Something wrong?_

_No_

_miss you_

_and stuff_

Dan smiles, burrowing into a blanket. _And stuff?_

_Yep_

Then they send a random string of emojis, each trying to find the strangest. Because that’s how they are.

-

Phil comes home the next day, true to his word.

Dan has pizza on the way, because he’s feeling a little unhealthy and pizza is kind of their thing.

He opens the door for Phil, snatching his suitcase and backpack so he can wrap himself around Phil, breathing into his shoulder.

“There’s pizza on the way,” he says.

Phil squeezes him, closing the door. “I knew I liked you for a reason.”

“Liked?” Dan pouts.

“Like.”

“Love?”

“Well...” Phil struggles to keep a straight face. His eyes are looking Dan up and down, making sure he’s all right.

Dan rolls his eyes, sliding chilly hands under Phil’s shirt.

He tucks his face in between Phil’s neck and shoulder, hiding his damp eyes. “Hello.”

Phil just squeezes tighter, knowing exactly what he needs.

Dan finally emerges, sliding a hand up to Phil’s jaw and just looking at him, for a minute. Their legs are pressed together, one of Dan’s ankles hooked around Phil’s. They could fall over at any moment, probably.

Phil’s mouth is warm and wet, tasting like coffee and salty crisps from the train.

Dan slides his hands into Phil’s back pockets. “I missed you a lot, you know,” he says, into the space between them. “More than usual.”

Phil doesn’t make a sarcastic comment. He just pulls Dan closer, tighter, grabbing the back of his hoodie in his fists. “I missed you more.”


End file.
